Dating After Turning 30 Part 2
So in looking for advice on meeting men, I ask the queen of love interests, my mother. My mother has no problems getting into relationships. Her problem is staying in them. She turned 50 this year and has been married 17 times. I've had to call so many different men daddy it's no wonder that I'm gay.
And it really gets embarrassing when I introduce her to someone new. Mom, I want you to meet Tony! Tony this is Irene O'Connell-Doyle-Marcantonio-Kolczynski-Goldberg-Guttierrez-Nguyen-Popadopolis-Lazzarino-Rasmussen-Murphy-McKendry-Vardy-Massihzadeh-Koch-Guttierrez-Valdez-Smith. My mother's vagina is a revolving door.
People always ask me "why does she get married so often?" Well, I think because she was raised Catholic, she doesn't believe in sex outside of marriage. She does believe in the quickie divorce though. She has a friend who rents her an apartment in Reno just to establish residency.
My mother is the hippy who has never grown up. She works as a sculptress who and lives on a commune with 25 other pot-smoking artists. Need I say more?
Her first marriage was to my father at the ripe age of 17. Thus, I am the living proof that pulling out doesn't work. After I was born, she had her tubes tied because as she put it "I am never going through that pain again". Did I mention that she was raised Catholic and has mastered "Catholic Guilt"?
After divorcing my father, she decided it was time to celebrate diversity by attempting to marry men from nearly every nationality in the world. She's had 2 Italians, a Muslim, a Jew, a Mexican, a Mormon (because who else would have been married as much as she has?), and her most recent conquest...a WASP.
This past July, she called and said, "Guess what I did?" She was traveling across country in her 1973 VW bus when she met an artist in Climax, Georgia (you know....as a comic...there are some things that are too easy).
Two weeks after meeting, they were married. I'm 33 years old and my new father is a 30-year-old bisexual painter. I officially want to murder my mother and sleep with my father. For her wedding present, I sent her a gift certificate for marriage counseling.
Now my mother insists that I really don't need a man in my life. She says I need two. She wants me to find a monogamous threesome relationship. This way, I will always be sexually satisfied, and if one of us gets laid off, we still have two other incomes to sustain the "family". I have enough difficulties finding one man and my mother wants me to find two?
So when I visit her for Thanksgiving, not only do I get to meet my new father, but my mom is trying to find some nice men (and I do mean plural) for me to date. This is why I go to therapy.
And it really gets embarrassing when I introduce her to someone new. Mom, I want you to meet Tony! Tony this is Irene O'Connell-Doyle-Marcantonio-Kolczynski-Goldberg-Guttierrez-Nguyen-Popadopolis-Lazzarino-Rasmussen-Murphy-McKendry-Vardy-Massihzadeh-Koch-Guttierrez-Valdez-Smith. My mother's vagina is a revolving door.
People always ask me "why does she get married so often?" Well, I think because she was raised Catholic, she doesn't believe in sex outside of marriage. She does believe in the quickie divorce though. She has a friend who rents her an apartment in Reno just to establish residency.
My mother is the hippy who has never grown up. She works as a sculptress who and lives on a commune with 25 other pot-smoking artists. Need I say more?
Her first marriage was to my father at the ripe age of 17. Thus, I am the living proof that pulling out doesn't work. After I was born, she had her tubes tied because as she put it "I am never going through that pain again". Did I mention that she was raised Catholic and has mastered "Catholic Guilt"?
After divorcing my father, she decided it was time to celebrate diversity by attempting to marry men from nearly every nationality in the world. She's had 2 Italians, a Muslim, a Jew, a Mexican, a Mormon (because who else would have been married as much as she has?), and her most recent conquest...a WASP.
This past July, she called and said, "Guess what I did?" She was traveling across country in her 1973 VW bus when she met an artist in Climax, Georgia (you know....as a comic...there are some things that are too easy).
Two weeks after meeting, they were married. I'm 33 years old and my new father is a 30-year-old bisexual painter. I officially want to murder my mother and sleep with my father. For her wedding present, I sent her a gift certificate for marriage counseling.
Now my mother insists that I really don't need a man in my life. She says I need two. She wants me to find a monogamous threesome relationship. This way, I will always be sexually satisfied, and if one of us gets laid off, we still have two other incomes to sustain the "family". I have enough difficulties finding one man and my mother wants me to find two?
So when I visit her for Thanksgiving, not only do I get to meet my new father, but my mom is trying to find some nice men (and I do mean plural) for me to date. This is why I go to therapy.
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